And he is speaking to me. Now. And my heart is racing. I mean beating so hard I can hardly breathe. And I'm shaking.
I... I can't function.
If I knew I was going to see him I actually think I would be sick.
He can't spell very well though and it makes him even more adorable in my eyes.
I shouldn't big him up in my mind as much as I do but I can't seem to help it.
Get your act together.
Get dressed. Go apply for jobs. Stay in this town and meet him. Work extra at some amazing place.
Buy me a drink soon, so I can oogle you for more than the 2 minutes I have seen you in real life.
So my placement is over, which is why I have no job, so I guess I have finished it. (Number 8) I am still devastated that this has happened and tomorrow I want to have a letter written and an updated cv put together so that I can hit the town and speak to the contacts I made over my 52 (work)day placement. I can't be bothered to go into why it happened or anything, I just wish it never had happened.
69 and 70. With J's birthday comes the Welsh and I pick it up instantly. I made her a lovely 4 layer cake with a white chocolate mousse layer, a milk chocolate mousse layer and strawberry jam layer. Topped with cream and strawberries. everything apart from the jam was made from scratch.
I went on a thing for work 2 weeks ago and I had people ask if I was South African and Welsh. I am not quite sure why this South African is sticking but I have been asked that so many times over the past 2 years (yikes can't believe I've been here that long already)
So below is my now updated list. Only 94 things and 946 days to go. Suggestions are still welcome for the final 19.
94 Things in 946 Days
1. Read 30 books before Christmas [16/30] and 50 in 2010 [0/50]
2. Watch 60 movies [13/60]
3. Reach size 10.
4. Do the Primal challgenge [0/31]
Join a gym
6. Make that braided belt that I saw in American Apparel
7. Make a bracelet
9. Start learning Spanish (again, I was fluent once so it can't be too hard, right?)
10. Go to Helsinki
11. Go to L (<3)'s home town
12. Be brave and tell someone I like them
13. Update livejournal once a week or more [9/143]
14. Give someone a compliment each day
15. Write my final year project (?)
16. Hand in my final year project (?)
17. Finish uni
18. Graduate from uni
19. Go to a masquerade
20. Take more photos
21. Visit Spain
22. Eat at Cappadocia with L
23. Buy and use a hula hoop
24. Watch a French film in the cinema
25. Go to Scotland
26. Cook sushi at home
27. Swim in the sea
28. Knit a hat
29. Make a dress
30. Back my computer up on an external harddrive
Kiss a boy (fairly easy)
32. Kiss a boy I really like (trickier!)
33. Go snowboarding
34. Go ice-skating with my little sister
35. Buy something nice to put on my wall
36. Buy a guitar
37. Learn to use Photoshop properly
38. Get a pedicure
39. Take my sister to school on her very first day
40. Get a massage
41. Start taking guitar lessons
Buy a Big Issue
43. Drive in the UK
44. Get a perm, to finally have my hair look like I've always dreamt of
45. Watch the sun rise
46. Give money to a busker that I think is good
47. Write a poem
48. Visit L (<3) in the Netherlands
49. Tell a stranger that I find them beautiful
50. Ask someone to dance with me
51. Cook a traditional meal for my housemates
52. Have a Big Bang Theory marathon
53. Make my own fancy bed linen
54. Buy some fancy shoes
55. Watch all of Star Trek TOS
56. Buy someone flowers
57. Go to Roskilde 2010
58. Kiss in the rain
59. Go skinny dipping
60. Buy buttons and decorate a tshirt
61. Sell something on Ebay
62. Read LotR in English
63. Go to an English festival
64. Visit the Natural Science Museum in London
65. Volunteer for something
66. Try a fruit I have never eaten before
67. Ask someone out on a date
68. Listen to Russell's last ever podcast
Getting people to think I'm Welsh
Bake a birthday cake for J
71. Go to Wales!!
72. See a rugby game live
73. See Rufus live again
74. See an opera
Deal with a pandemic first hand
76. Try to find a new placement
77. Find a job
78. Buy a vintage dress, a really pretty one, and wear it on a day when I’m feeling a little down
70. Go snowboarding back home
80. Learn when to say "I" and when to say "me" (if anyone here can explain it I'd be most grateful)
101. Update LJ everytime I complete something off this list [7/101]
My other little brother (12 years old) has been threatened for £300 or else.
My little sister had her bike stolen.
My stepdad almost had a stroke.
My grandad fell out of a tree (7 meters) and almost died.
I have lost my job.
I have nowhere to live from next Sunday.
I have been threatened.
I will not get paid for my last months work, a job that I loved more than anything else I have ever done.
The work on our house back home still hasn't started (it was due to start 1st July).
This week has officially been the worst of my life. Lets hope it stays that way.
Only up from here!
I loved the Bands I saw yesterday, I want to get back in the game.
We did it again.
We glued it together.
It went side ways.
We got the blu-tac out.
And it was over.
I went to the office and I saw it all. Empty. My paper bag with bread in it, my tissue that I used to wipe my mouth with after I had had lunch today, my lists of bands for accreditation.
It's all over.
My heart broke.
20 mins later I hear my (step)dad is in hospital. Apparently he's "fine".
I was found in Circus and brought back to my director's house and given alcohol. Darren was there.
I sent him a text just before I heard about my dad, saying "I love you darren, please let your dad know that I am thinking of him x" and he broke down and started crying. I love them so, all of them. I don't know where to go, what to do or what to think. All I know is, speak badly of any of these people and I will not be held responsible for my actions. They did everything. They are loosing their houses.
I love you.
Jag älskar er så mycket, mitt hjärta brister. Jag är ingenting utan er.
You are my family, now and always always.
I really really want this to happen.
I love Darren.
I love them all.
Please please please let this happen!
I'm feeling incredibly lost and lonely.
It's my lovely crazy muppet J's birthday party tonight. I've been called in to work tomorrow from 10.30 so I'm not going out. I've had a pint and a bit of cider but I stopped a while ago.
I've had a fight with M. He said he was coming down this Friday. So I sent him a ticket to get him from London down here, I had it and wouldn't be able to use it before it expired. So I called him on Thursday to ask how he was, see if he'd gotten the ticket and make sure that he was still coming down. I got declined after 2 or 3 rings and that was that. He texted me a few hours later saying that he was in the pub and couldn't talk. Fair enough I thought but it was gone 22 and I was in bed waiting to fall asleep so I didn't answer. Also, I wanted him to see what it felt like not to hear from someone. Friday arrived and not a word from him. Until I texted him around 18 (he had said earlier in the week that he'd be arriving at five) saying that I'd been asleep and I wanted to know if he'd gotten the ticket but obviously not as I hadn't had a thank you and I said I guessed he wouldn't be coming. He then said that he'd been training for a new job all day, he did have the ticket but wasn't coming. Bore off is all I wanted to say. I told him I'd had a bad day and it would have been polite to let me know whether or not he was coming, he had promised to. All he did was ask what'd happened. I had had 2 people cancel on me, I'm working until Tuesday the 1st if not longer (every day!) and I was sad. I said that this only enhances what I already believe, that I don't get my hopes up and trust in things/promises until they actually happen. Cynical, pessimistic or whatever you like, that's how I think... I have gotten better but now I am starting to think I was right.
He texted me today saing "Please don't be angry with me xxx" and that's the last I've heard.
Living together is going to be just charming now.
I'm feeling ugly. Not your normal little insecurities but enough to have me leave the 15 other people in the house and go hide in the dark in my room. I feel out of place. When i look in the mirror I see nothing of what I feel like, if you know how I mean. I look nothing like I actually do in my mind. I'm so sick of this and I can't deal with it much longer.
Especially not now. With the festival so soon. I have too much work, too much stress, too much of everything. I think I will break down from it all very soon. And I have no one to break down in front of.
My heart is just aching for it.
And it's my nan's birthday. And my sister started school this week.
It's just not going my way.
Then S comes and says that he misses me more than anyone and yadda yadda yadda. i can't be dealing with that shit, I can't deal with anything. Just leave me alone and bore off. I love you all really but no one seems to see it, see me.
I guess that's what pixie dust does to people, and that freaks me out even more, I'm locking my door tonight.
I just wish I could feel, feel different, love someone.
20 minutes later and I am a member.
Next day I was in class and today I can still feel the pain. I LOVE IT! I have got Body Combat booked for tomorrow, wanna go swimming for the first time in years on Tuesday and then a rest on Wednesday, weights on Thursday and yoga on Friday. It's going to be immense.
Immense btw, yesterday. Haha. I am too tired to explain it all today but basically my stoned little J from work picked me up and we went to look ar our field. When I say our field I mean the field where "my" festival is taking place in a matter of weeks! It was beautiful. I'm going back up there tomorrow morning, and will possibly be on the news but I hope not... I've already done that twice in a different country and I didn't enjoy it one bit.
Ok back to my story, J and his housemate took me to the pub. One pint of cider and I'm tipsy. Drive housemate home, to the office and pick up stuff and to the pub. They were hosting a B Festival Day! Some really good bands were playing. JP and his lovely Mrs were there, she was drunk and amazing. J got more stoned as the afternoon progressed. I hung out with a 6 year old, I really really do miss being around children. Her dad though, quite the fitty I must say.
D showed up after many hours, bought me more drinks. Oh the drunkeness. I was asked by several people if I was South African! Ha!
Anywho, spent a good hour or so with J's brother and it was increadible. He understood me instantly and just got it, you know.
Then I was speaking to the Mrs for a while and I love her so. She told me the most amazing things about my work, myself and everyone. She is truly incredible.
Anywhos, I spent a good hour walking home in a russian bear skin hat. I looked great in it as well and took too many pictures of me in it today.
Work is great, life is great, love is great.
Well, there's this one day festival happening on Sunday called 1234 Shoreditch and my boss has asked me to go. Sure I will have to put some posters up and hand out some flyers at the end of it but then again... I'm not complaining! The Rakes and Patrick Wolf are playing! Immense! And I'm getting my ticket and travel paid for, as well as the fact that I get paid for flyering... And I can bring whomever I want!
So I got my housemate R and Dr Blue a flyering job for this weekend and I can choose to take either of them with me, or I can take M who I will be living with from September onwards. And then genious struck me! I can take Mr Fittie Volunteer. So I phoned him up, he said he'd love to if he could get the time off, he'd get up at 4 in the morning to get to London from Birmingham. I kid you not when I say that he is probably the hottest person I have seen since I moved to this country. He's from South America but has got the sweetest American accent (and I normally can't stand them) and amazing brown eyes (I never like brown eyes normally!). And the tattoo, and his clothes, and that he's a musician, and he sings... The list just goes on and on.
Then he phones me back and tells me he can't do it because he's working all Saturday night and wont have a chance to sleep. Poo.
But he is coming into the office next week to drop off some things I've asked him for.
I know, I know, I am abusing my power. I am the first one to admit to it but I honestly don't care, not when the subject of my abuse (in more ways than one if I could choose) is him. Yum! He looks like a South American version of F, for those of you who haven't known me for long can read a few entries back and you will find out all about him.
So this leaves me with R, Dr Blue or M. I don't want to go with R, he's too quiet, stubborn and I think I'd have to do all the talking and I don't want that for someone I will spend over 12 hours with. Dr Blue is looking good lately and we were joking around when he came by the office today, and he even answered my silly texts. Then there's M, I love him to bits already and I know we will have an awesome time living together. He's so sweet that boy... Though I'm not sure he's forward enough to hand the flyers out... Unless we get some drink in us first that is... Oh, I like the sound of that...
See, what I really need right now is for my best friend not to be in a different country!! I miss her too much and so much has happened, if she'd been around I would have gone with her! or paid for her ticket and have her come with me and the person I bring along...
Anywho, I'm going to sniff Dr Blue's tshirt (took his and R's home from the office after they got changed, and NO I'm not a crazy stalker or anything but when he walked into the office today I lost all focus, blushed like crazy and couldn't even type up an email so I deserve a sniff, hehe) again and have a little think about what to do.